i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
