Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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