stop calling my apartment porn island.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
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