I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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