if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I love you. Go after that dick
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Randomize
