Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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