my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
Randomize
