toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
