Well you know what I always say about freshmen.... If you want it, and they've got it... get it.
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
