I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Randomize
