May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
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