I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize