its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
EXCEPT MY COUSIN SAW MY SEX TAPE!
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
