he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
