meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
Cat. Why do you sit on things I need to use.
Because it is cat.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
Randomize
