i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
Randomize
