she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
Randomize