So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Good point, clearly my love of penis contributed to my torn knee ligament.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
That man makes my giblets tingle
Congrats? I think?
Randomize
