she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
Randomize
