i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
I wish life had little blips of pornography
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
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