I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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