bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
