Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
Randomize
