Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
i think i want to fuck a midget just to see how difficult it would be
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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