the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
And the cops told us we were all naked.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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