I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
