We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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