cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Randomize
