Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Randomize
