Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
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