So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
