so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize