you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I think you know you’ve caught feelings when you’re asking a tinder boy his opinion about your current fuck buddy.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
Randomize
