I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
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