lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize
