the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
Randomize
