No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
