Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
You need Xanax blowdarts
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
It's after midnight. I didn't find the answer to my problem, but I did find the bottom of a bottle of vodka, so... there's that.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
