mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
Slammed 3 beers and just bowled a 129\nI guess alcohol IS the answer
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
