How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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