I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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