Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
