I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
