Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
