I CAN MOONWALK!
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
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