I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Don't use my boy Weezy to support your whoreish tendencies.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
