she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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