I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
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