Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
