it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I'm not leaving my family to go to a strip club on good friday.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
