The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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