You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So I have exactly 420 dollars saved up in tips from the past week. I win, and I take that as a sign from god that I am allowed to use that money to buy drugs.
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
Try me, you 5'5 gremlin
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