if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
