I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
