oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
